Concerning Hobbits
by JaneMartin906
Summary: Fili and Kili have never met a hobbit before. Naturally they have many questions for Bilbo.
1. Chapter 1

"Is it all right if we ask you something, Mister Baggins?"

"Hmm?" Bilbo looked up from mending his waistcoat, wondering if he should just retire the poor thing altogether, to see Fili and Kili perched just in front of him, eyeing him in a way that made him feel uncomfortable. "Um, yes, I suppose. What is it?" he asked, setting his waistcoat aside.

The brothers looked at each other uncertainly before Fili finally spoke. "May we look at your feet?"

"My... feet."

"Please? It's just that, you don't wear shoes, and we can't help but be concerned." They looked at him with wide eyes that were very hard to refuse, but as he knew, that innocent look meant they were up to something; it was not without suspicion that he eventually agreed. He held up his feet, and each brother took one by the ankle and began to study them. Kili began with the questions. "Do your feet ever get cold?"

"Well, no, not really, that's what the hair is there for."

"Do you have to brush them?" Fili asked.

"Yes, of course."

Fili asked again, "Ever tried braiding them?"

"Um, no. I'm not- no."

Kili lifted the foot up and smelled it, which embarrassed Bilbo immensely. "They don't even smell like feet normally do," he wondered, "and his toenails are neatly trimmed."

"Why would you even-" Bilbo sputtered.

"Does it hurt when you walk on rocks?" Fili interrupted.

"It depends. They're pretty thick on the bottom, but that doesn't mean they can't be cut."

Fili pulled out a knife. "Does this hurt?" he asked, poking at the sole of the hobbit's foot.

"Put that _away_! Right _now!_" Bilbo said firmly, wagging his finger.

Kili gripped the ankle under one arm, pulled out a bird's feather from one of his many pockets, and stroked the hobbit's foot. "Hey, does this tickle?"

Bilbo looked puzzled. "No, of course not."

"Here, Fili, try it! Right in the middle!" He handed the feather to his brother, who gripped the other foot firmly and tried to tickle it.

"Of course my feet aren't ticklish. Whoever heard of ticklish feet?"

Fili and Kili gaped at him. "Hobbit's feet aren't ticklish?"

"What, yours are?"

They exchanged a look of wonder before continuing their examination. "They're positively huge!" Kili exclaimed. "I wonder, are they bigger than ours?"

"One way to find out!" his brother smiled. They dropped Bilbo's feet, stooped down, and undid their boots. "Here, try these on!" Fili demanded, shoving his boots in Bilbo's face.

"No no! Try mine first!"

Bilbo's eyes watered from the scent of four well-worn boots under his nose; hesitantly he took Kili's left boot, and Fili's right. "Here, I can try them both on." It looked simple enough; he shoved one foot in with much effort (they were slightly damp, but he tried not to grimace visibly), then the other, then stood up. "Are shoes supposed to be this tight?" he complained. "They feel awful!"

Kili knelt down by his left foot, tracing where his toes would be. "His toes go right up to the edge here! My feet aren't nearly that crammed in!"

Fili knelt down by his right. "Same here! No wonder he doesn't wear shoes!"

"May I take these off now?" Without waiting for permission, Bilbo sat down and tried to pull his feet out. He pulled and he tugged, he wiggled his ankle, but the boots would not budge. "Er, how does one remove boots?"

"They're supposed to come right off," Fili murmured. "Here, let me help. Try pointing your toes for me." He grabbed the right boot and tugged, but the boot remained stuck. "Bilbo, grab the rock, Kili, get the other foot." His brother followed suit, both dwarves tugging as hard as he could while the hobbit desperately held on to the rock he was sitting on.

After three tries, Bilbo moaned, "This isn't working, and my feet are going numb!"

Kili giggled. "Hang on, I think we got it, one more time! Heave!"

They heaved. With a sound much like a cork popping off of a champagne bottle, the two dwarves were catapulted back as the hobbit flipped over the rock. Laughing, the brothers pulled their boots back on.

Bilbo, however, was less than amused. He stood, rubbing at his head and straightening himself. "Are you both quite finished with your inspection?" he grumbled.

"We didn't mean any offense, Mister Baggins," Fili apologized. "We were simply curious."

"And anyway, boots wouldn't suit you at all. They look unnatural on you." Kili shrugged. "Hobbit feet really are amazing."

Bilbo blinked, unsure as how one would respond to such an unusual compliment. The best he could manage was a "Thank you?" as he picked up his fallen waistcoat and pulled it back on.

"Would you mind if we asked you something else?"

Bilbo very slowly backed away from them both.


	2. Chapter 2

**_A/N: _**

_Dear WesternFlame;_

_You have no account, but you kindly left a review for this story anyway. In that review you gave me a very lovely idea as to how to continue this particular story. If you had an account, I would have sent this to you in a reply e-mail, but as it stands the only way you can see this is if I post it here._

_Thank you so very much for your idea, and I hope it meets your expectations._

_Regards,_

_JaneMartin906_

_To All Readers:_

_Remember, the best way to help your favorite authors continue writing is by leaving them constructive criticism in a review._

* * *

Bilbo mumbled and stirred, but went back to sleep easily. Fili cast a stern look at his brother and held a cautionary finger up to his lips; Kili mouthed 'sorry' before continuing with the task at hand. Bilbo had said that he brushed the hair on his feet, but judging from the tangles that they encountered it must have been a long time ago. Very, very gently they ran their fine-toothed combs through the mess of knots until the hair was smooth and neat. "He should really do this more often. They look lovely now," Fili whispered softly in Kili's ear.

Kili nodded. "He'll thank us for this one day."

"But, maybe not today."

They both grinned wickedly.

Suddenly a very loud "PSSST!" came from behind them both. They whirled about, desperately hoping Bilbo would stay asleep as they shushed the interloper. Bofur crept up quietly, whispering "Sorry. What're you two doing awake? Yer watch shifts aren't 'till after mine."

"We're-" Kili began before Fili clamped a hand over his mouth. Fili knew that Bofur was very fond of, and more importantly, very protective of the hobbit. If he had any idea that they were playing a prank, there was no telling what he would do- Fili always knew to beware the quiet ones.

"We're... We're helping Bilbo! We thought it might be a nice surprise for him to wake up and find his feet neatly brushed and braided! He hasn't had much time to do it himself, you know, he's been so busy..."

Bofur smiled warmly. "Oh, that's awfully nice of ye both. Tell ye what- let me borrow a comb, I'll work on his head!"

The brothers smothered their smiles as they worked quickly.

* * *

Bilbo woke the next morning noticing odd but approving stares from nearly everyone, with a few smirks added. Even Bifur, who probably didn't even know the hobbit's name, gave him an odd glance before nodding in appreciation. The only ones that didn't look at him were Fili and Kili; in fact, they were trying very hard to avoid eye contact, keeping their heads low over their breakfasts and sniggering. Bilbo, suspicions aroused, approached them both, giving an amiable "Good morning!" as he sat down next to them. They mumbled something inaudible before returning to their food. Bilbo stared around him in dismay; just what was the matter with everyone?

Bofur sat across from him, smiling expectantly. "So, Bilbo, what d'ye think?"

"What do I think of, what?" he asked cautiously. Bofur pointed to his feet; he looked down and gasped. His toes had been braided delicately, the hair looping in intricate patterns from toe to toe and up to his ankles.

Fili and Kili glanced at each other over the hobbit's head before slowly trying to slip away. But they were caught by Bofur's smiling remarks, "Oh, t'was Fili and Kili's idea! We did it while you were sleepin'. And they had me do the stuff atop yer head too! Ye look grand, ye do! Wish I had a mirror t' show ye!"

Bilbo reached up to touch his head, jaw dropping as he felt a great many braids lining his scalp; he imagined he looked very much like either a young hobbit-lass or an idiot. He had half a mind to throttle the two youngsters standing behind him shaking with mirth, but on the other hand, none of the other dwarves seemed to mind. If anything, they approved of the braids. And then there was Bofur, his first friend in the company, sitting there across from him, expecting an answer, no doubt expecting approval; to say what he really felt would be the equivalent of kicking a puppy. So, breathing deeply, he put on a smile and gave the warmest "Thank you" he could manage, which satisfied his friend to no end.

Now it was time to deal with the masterminds. Bilbo stood and turned to walk their way, nearly stumbling blindly into Thorin. The dwarf lord looked puzzled as he reached out to touch the copper colored braids. "Hmm" was all he said.

Bilbo sidestepped their leader and set off after Fili and Kili, who by now had a substantial lead ahead of him. A good distance away, the brothers had collapsed into fits of laughter, broken by cries of "The look on his face!"

"You two!" Bilbo cried. They stopped only for a moment or two before laughing even harder. He waited, fuming, until they wiped the tears from their eyes and quieted themselves. "All right, you two. You had quite a lot of questions for me yesterday, now it's my turn to ask you both a few. Why? Just... why? Why would you braid my hair? And was braiding my _feet_ really necessary? And that's another thing- _what is this sudden obsession with my feet_?"

"Why?" The brothers glanced at each other before Kili asked, "Why not?", which brought about more sniggers and more laughs from the both of them.

"Can't you be serious for one blasted instant?" Bilbo shouted. "For heaven's sake! And you had to drag Bofur into your little scheme, too? All wide-eyed and innocent, looking at me like he just gave me the bloody moon! What was I supposed to say to that?"

"You know, he was right," Fili chimed in. "You do look grand."

"Yes, I would say he did a rather splendid job!" Kili smiled.

He quickly saw he was getting nowhere with these two. Beside them suddenly came the sound of footsteps tramping through the greenery around them; turning, they saw Gandalf come into the clearing. "What on earth is the matter here-" He stopped abruptly at the sight of Bilbo's hair. "Oh, my. You're adapting to Dwarfish culture a lot sooner than I thought!" he praised.

Bilbo blinked. "I have?"

"Oh, yes! Braiding is a very important part of male Dwarf fashion! Braiding each other's hair promotes a special kind of bonding!" The wizard laughed, patting the bemused hobbit on the shoulder. "Congratulations, Bilbo. You've been adopted!" With that, Gandalf strode back towards the campground, smiling to himself.

If Bilbo could have kicked himself, he would have. He turned to meet the smiling faces of Fili and Kili, gazing at him innocently. "You were saying?" Fili said.

Bilbo swallowed hard before responding. "I was saying... a lot of insensitive things. And for that, I apologize." The brothers nodded graciously. "But that still doesn't explain why you two seem to be obsessed with my feet!" he added quickly.

Kili protested, "They're huge, they have long hair, and they don't smell no matter how long you've been walking! How can we not be? "


End file.
